What a relief!

[Darkling]

Have you ever taken such an almighty shit that it totally clogs up everything and still has some to spare?

Well let me tell you, it happened to me last night.

This had been brewing for some time.

I'll skip the straining and bowl shattering explosions and go strait to the aftermath.

As I flushed I watched as the water seemed to slide under the paper and lift it to the surface.
Then the level continued to rise bringing the paper up to the top of the bowl and there it stayed.
It was not long before a great turd followed it to the surface.

This was not your average turd. Think pat.
You know buffalo chips?
Not quite of those proportions but getting there.

...and that was just the tip of the iceberg as it were.
If that was what floated I shudder to think what the blockage was like.

I didn't think of taking pictures at the time.

So there it all floated for a while with the water level gradually dropping at about 5mm/min.

When I judged that there was sufficient space to withstand a second flush without overflowing I gave it a second go.

"This was bound to shift it" I thought to myself.

Did it bollocks.

This time as the water level rose the poo sank but the paper still floated. The water was brown now.

I thought that if I could sodden the paper a bit then it would become more dense and sink so I poured on several pans of water directly over the paper but that just made the paper rotate on the surface.

At this point my mother arrived.

You know what it's like. You can't smell what you've done but people die a block away.

The stench was right through the house by now but I hadn't noticed.

She opens all the doors, presumably so the neighbours will know what's going on, and takes a deep breath before going in.

After some bleach and a few pokes with a toilet brush, it disappeared with a rather satisfying slurp.

Aren't mums great?

The toilet brush went strait in the bin outside.


We laughed about that... well, I laughed anyway.

[Penny]

I'm not entirley sure my life is all the better for knowing that now... or that I needed to know, but ya know thanks for sharing Darkles! lol

[Darkling]

You're quite welcome.

Any time.

[nih]

I've never had constipation, but then I have the ability to deliver sphincter-tearing monstrosities into the wild without a peep. It's just a talent I have. You gotta take it slow and easy, and stay in control of the turd. You decide when the time is right for it to come out, not gravity.

[Darkling]

I've got bowels like a trash compactor.

Instead of going to the bog when I know the time is right, I put it off as long as I can and carry on working.

After a while it doesn't even feel like I have to go.

Then I can't.

[kall]

Err..jesus christ.

*moves to Nasty*

[Darkling]

Err..jesus christ.

*moves to Nasty*

Quite fitting that a thread about bowel movements should be, er, moved.

Kall, do you have anything to add.

We haven't heard from your bowels yet?

[nih]

Quite frankly I'm all flush with exciting ideas for this thread. Anyone else want to take the plunge and plumb the depths of scatological humour?

[shakmak]

darkling must have had a hard childhood....

[Darkling]

You had to think long and hard about that one, didn't you?
Did you log off before it came to you?
Don't strain yourself now.

[Sparklechick]

Since we're talking poo stories.

I remember back in the day when my family used to take our boat out in the Bay of Islands for the entire summer. It's not pleasant for other passengers when someone lays cable in the boat so my Dad used to grab a dunny roll and head for the trees on the nearby island. He would then dig a hole, climb a tree, position himself above the hole and do his business. He would then climb back down the tree cover the hole and head back to the boat. He reckons it was better than squatting in the grass coz there was no potential for losing balance mid squat and falling in your fecal matter.

I was out on a boat a few years ago with some friends and one need to go Number 2 really badly. There was no land in sight. So he jumped overboard and did his business. Which wasn't overly pleasant for us considering he didn't swim far enough away and it all started floating up around him. We didn't catch any fish after that.

Vomit is brilliant burly ... turds are not.