Adult Jokes

[MasterDavE]

Bedroom Golf

Rules of Bedroom Golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[MasterDavE]

Men and womens differences
How to make a woman happy...
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skilful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
61. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
62. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur she meets...

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Let him play with your tits

[Lina]

Is that why you don't have a girlfriend? *Wink*

[MasterDavE]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Poppy]

An Opportunists Tale

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

[Poppy]

At the Nudist Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[Poppy]

Dirty Tricks

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

[Poppy]

Tattooed Privates

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[Poppy]

Spanking

One day, whilst cleaning her young sons bedroom, a mother finds a sado-masochist mag on top of his wardrobe. Not quite sure of how she should confrount him about it, she keeps hold of the mag untill her husband gets home from work. Slowly, he flicks through the pictures of leather clad women brandishing whips, chains and the like, before handing it back to his wife without a word.
"So" she says, exasperated, "What do you think we should do about this?"
The husband looks at her solemnly, "Well" he says,"If I were you, I wouldn't spank him."

[Poppy]

Fishing

Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."

[EnglishRose]

My uncls has just been thrown off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a great shame cos he was a really good vet!

[Powerslave]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen
were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

[Powerslave]

Dont fart in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Biggles77]

Two women went out on the town to celebrate. When they woke up in the afternoon one woman said, "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage". "I'm not surprised," said the other, "you had a cockatoo in it last night."

[BloominAngel]

BEER VS VAGINA


A beer is always wet.

A pussy needs encouragement.

Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.

A pussy tastes better served hot.

Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.

Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.

Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.

Pussy does not.

Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.

Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.

A pussy is a box you can come in.

Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.

Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.

Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.

If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.

Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.

6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.

Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.

Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.

Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.

You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.

Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.

If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.

Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.

Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.

Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.

Beer can make you see the porcelain God.

Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.

If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.

Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.

Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.

Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.

If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.

Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.

If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.

Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.

Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.

Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.

Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.

Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.

Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red

Good pussy: Almost all but the above.

Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.

Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.

Advantage: Pussy.

[BloominAngel]

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[BloominAngel]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[lightisdark]

Printed and stuck on my wall.. i love these.. Great work