Topic: Basic Food Words

Arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalisation offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegatable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, for a dish you'll never make.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yoghurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Steak Tartar - Raw beef mince fashined into the shape of a steak along with egg yolk and herbs and then served to the diner.

Who, if he is me, then asks 'Err, were you gonna cook that man?'