[ICE]

Logical Science
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub (near Basildon) when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Phil: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Phil: - Err. Mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or
in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it
myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker