[busyness53]

clean funny jokes only please

[Diane]

Yeah, heaps of them.

Some might not be so "clean" but they're not that dirty either

_______


Blonde's Medical Dictionary

Artery = Study of paintings
Bacteria = Backdoor to cafeteria
Bowel = Letter like A E I O or U
Cesarean section = District in Rome
Cat Scan = Searching for Kitty
Colic = Sheep Dog
Coma = Punctuation Mark
Congenital = Friendly
D & C = Where Washington is
Dilate = To live long
Enema = Not a Friend
Fester = Quicker
Genital = Non-Jewish
Labour Pain = Hurt at work
Outpatient= Person fainted
Post op = Letter Carrier
Rheumatic = Amorous
Secretion = Hiding something
Terminal Illness = Sick at Airport
Tibia = Country in North Africa
Urine = Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose = Nearby
Vein = Conceited

Gynoclogist

Nancy, a blonde, goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."

Tickle Me Elmo

A blonde women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin.
The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily excepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Bet

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl.
Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes.
Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet.
He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.
With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."

Loss

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy.
Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!
He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??"
"No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Blondes

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces themself.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her IQ goes up!

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!
What do you use for bait?"

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

More Blondes

Doctor: "Take one of these pills 3 times a day."
Blonde Patient: "How do I take a pill more than once?"

Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Blonde Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
She's the one on her bike.

How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
No spelling errors on her tattoo.

What's the definition of a blonde?
A life-support system for a vagina.

Blonde Nun

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of ove for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and ommend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me.
I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God.
"Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the Smartie's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel..."