[M.E.2]

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?







The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.



The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.



With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[M.E.2]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies from the cold.

THE END

--------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm
home with a table laden with food.

The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while
others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The
Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's' house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that
the squirrel has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti - Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home, plus an additional fine for contempt
when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile.

The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members
of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
Imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to
Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
they have tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love
of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return
them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would
face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money
from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels' food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug
'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
The obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the Government
for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses; their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END