[Bluey and Aquila]

Dear Aunty Sparkles

Am I over-reacting, Hubby left his ICQ open ( he very rarely uses this program )and I noticed he was waiting for authourisation for some chick in australia. I asked him why it was open and why was he waiting to talk to some girl in aussie, and his reply was he was talking to some guy on there about aeroplanes. So while talking to him I deleted her off his list, the next day I open ICQ and his ID loads automatically and shes been added again.

I email hubby and ask why, he then confesses that he was looking up one of his ex-girlfriends, So I got shitty not because he is contacting his ex but because he lied.

For the first time last night ( apart from our wedding night and when I was in hospital having our baby ) we slept apart.

I am so angry at him and told him I want him to leave but deep down I dont want him to go, but I dont want him to think he can get away with lying to me.

[Penny]

Sounds like to me that it was one of those things that he made a bad judgement on. I've done those. You want to do something but you think your partner might mind, so you lie, then when they find out, they are not at all upset about what you did but that you didn't tell them.

My advice would be, to not blow it out of poportion and leave. Or sleep apart, just talk to him and tell him you didn't mind him contacting her, but that you didn't like him lying about it. (that is of course if you are sure you are fine about him contacting her).

I am friends with pretty much any ex I have had right from high school still. You form bonds with these people and share experiences even though you don't want to spend your life with these people you still have a bond there. And I know I have had problems with people who don't think I should be friends with them (one in particular) and I generally tell them that is there problem.

[greenfairy]

Originally Posted by Bluey and Aquila

Dear Aunty Sparkles

Am I over-reacting, Hubby left his ICQ open ( he very rarely uses this program )and I noticed he was waiting for authourisation for some chick in australia. I asked him why it was open and why was he waiting to talk to some girl in aussie, and his reply was he was talking to some guy on there about aeroplanes. So while talking to him I deleted her off his list, the next day I open ICQ and his ID loads automatically and shes been added again.

I email hubby and ask why, he then confesses that he was looking up one of his ex-girlfriends, So I got shitty not because he is contacting his ex but because he lied.

For the first time last night ( apart from our wedding night and when I was in hospital having our baby ) we slept apart.

I am so angry at him and told him I want him to leave but deep down I dont want him to go, but I dont want him to think he can get away with lying to me.

maybe when the dust settles... maybe he is 'exploring' boundaries of the relationship...
you know DO I / Don't I say anything? It may come to nothing etc... ???*megahuggles*

[Bluey and Aquila]

Originally Posted by Penny

My advice would be, to not blow it out of poportion and leave. Or sleep apart, just talk to him and tell him you didn't mind him contacting her, but that you didn't like him lying about it. (that is of course if you are sure you are fine about him contacting her).

I did tell him its not about him talking to her I mean she wasnt a threat to our marriage, but I just hate being lied to and he knows that. I have never given him any reason to think I would get jealous if he talks to other women or his ex.

It does shit me that he lied, I HATE liers

[Penny]

I really think it was probably just bad judgement on his side. Yeah lying is bad. And it probably upsets you, but think about the big picture about it, and he will probably be thinking "Lesson learnt". He probably thought you'd be more upset about him contacting her and so thought it would be better to lie.

Sometimes guys will just think that you would care if you talk to other women/ex, without actually knowing how you feel.

I wouldn't blow it up to be a large issue, and you will probably look back on it in a few months and wonder what you were so upset about.

[greenfairy]

remember to breathe in and out - use this (situation) as a tool for your own well-being. It's all about balance... remember the folks who've been married 50-70years? They didn't all have it easy... and I remember this when having 'moments' ~ at least I can walk off in a huff and txt friends... then there's here for venting and offloading/sharing - they didn't have any of this.. rural women especially isolated.

[Sparklechick]

I agree that liars are the scum of the earth.

I wasn't happy about my ex being in contact with his ex but I didn't want to sound like a bitch so I put up with it. It wasn't until after I'd left him that he'd admitted he'd been shagging her while he was with me, so yeah, I'm not too keen on boyfriends keeping in touch with the ex's.

However, your situation is a bit different. Seems that you've already received some really good advice.

I say, stay calm ... perhaps think about how you really feel about him ... do you honestly think you would be happier without him?

A lie is a huge thing in a relationship and you need to let him know how hurt you are. But if leaving him by way of punishment for lying is going to punish you just as much then it's a lose-lose situation for you both.

I wish I could help further ... let us know how you get on

[nih]

The womanpack here is going to swarm on me for voicing a contrary opinion, but have you considered that if you left you'd be doing him a favour? If you're gonna make the threat, at least make sure it's not idle. You'd keep your self-respect, and you'd give him a good shakeup.

Stagnant, taken-for-granted relationships aren't worth your time, and if he can't chat with an ex without interrogation then there's something wrong with how one or both of you conduct yourselves. Do you seriously want a guy that's under your absolute control? Telling him who he can and can't talk to is pretty darn close to it. Man, that'd be so boring.

Your other option is to look at your relationship with a very critical eye and some experience you probably don't have yet. Who am I kidding, that's a lot to take on board. The best way to learn is indeed the hard way.

[Bluey and Aquila]

Originally Posted by nih

.

Stagnant, taken-for-granted relationships aren't worth your time, and if he can't chat with an ex without interrogation then there's something wrong with how one or both of you conduct yourselves. Do you seriously want a guy that's under your absolute control? Telling him who he can and can't talk to is pretty darn close to it. Man, that'd be so boring.

The problem wasnt him talking to his ex, it was him lying to me. It doesn't matter now as he is leaving.

[nih]

Originally Posted by Bluey and Aquila

The problem wasnt him talking to his ex, it was him lying to me. It doesn't matter now as he is leaving.

I'm sorry to hear it, but there's a lot space can do to make a situation more clear, or the solution to it. Good luck.

[Bluey and Aquila]

Well he didnt end up going and we got a lot of things sorted.

I have given up work to have some me time and to spend some time with my family and enjoy being with them. Im feeling much better not working nights and I have even started to lose weight again. My Dr has said I was suffering from major exhaustion and burn out, so I was lucky I gave up work when I did.

So thanks to all you guys for letting me have my rant and I hope you all have a wonderful and safe christmas. :santa:

[Penny]

I am glad to hear he didn't end up going! I was worried you would do something spur of the moment and regret it.

Have a wonderful christmas with your family girl!

An intersting read with a happy ending to the story.

Good to hear.

[Teelo]

Puh-lease. I have about a billion contacts on my buddy list that all could be taken the wrong way (If I had a girlfriend, hehe).

About a quarter of them are female, but are either admins at a website, or something like that, who I talk to because I have to. And then there are those who I talk to just because I can...