[Sparklechick]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally crack a really loud fart. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realise that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently